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Computer jokes

Bill Gates

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five-dollar cars that get 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car98", or "CarNT". However, even then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would ask "Are You Sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed a hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

Programmer's Translation

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED...
We are still pissing in the wind.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON
A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM...
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION...
We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH...
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED...
We are so far behind schedule the customer
is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE...
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING...
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED...
The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS...
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT...
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL...
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING...
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it
doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION...
I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS...
Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW...
Code not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT...It finally worked!

17. LOW MAINTENANCE...
Impos sible to fix if broken.